“I wish I was a fisherman
Tumblin’ on the seas
Far away from dry land
And it’s bitter memories
Castin’ out my sweet line
With abandonment and love
No ceiling bearin’ down on me
Save the starry sky above”
Scott/Wickham
Before I start when Edison first stole the idea for the telephone from Tesla, he wanted the universal greeting that everyone used when they answered the phone to be “Ahoy, ahoy.” The only two people that I know that use that greeting today are “Mr.Burns” in The Simpsons, and our Gerry, whenever he knows that Stephen is with customers and calls him on speakerphone.
Today’s blog is unique for two reasons. Firstly , it begins with this heartfelt request that you do not read it. This request only applies to anyone who has never been on a cruise before, but has one booked. And secondly , this blog is written in response to a request to write about a cruise. My Soulmate mentioned our adventure on our last cruise in a comment on the latest Soul Sisters blog where Georgie referred to cruise ships as “Dundrum on the Sea” and that all the recent media coverage of the poor passengers and crew on the MV Hondius had not tempted her to try a cruise. Georgie replied asking if I’d written about it at the time…and here we are.
I am not a fan of sea transport in general. From an early age I have always been seasick on any vessel on any body of water that isn’t a lake, and even then, if it is a large lake then chances are that I will be ill. When we were kids our first holiday ‘abroad’ was to Blackpool in England which involved taking the car on the Dun Laoghaire to Holyhead ferry which we were all terribly excited about…until the ferry left the sanctuary of the pier. I got ill on the way over , I got ill on the roller coaster in Blackpool Pleasure Beach, after having my first, and only, can of Irn-Bru, and I got ill on the way home.
The next year we went on a camping holiday in France and took the larger ferry from Cork to Cherbourg. This journey was fine. We had a cabin and I went to bed as soon as we got onboard and stayed there until we arrived, and didn’t get sick. We had a wonderful two weeks in Royan , where the only French we learned was ‘pomme frites’ when we needed to order chips. On the return sailing to Cork a storm blew in and everyone got sick, including the staff, they ran out of sick bags, and someone was lost overboard. Our Granny, whom we and everyone called Nanny, had always accompanied us on our family holidays, but she swore never again after that journey, and she stuck to her word for the next 18 years.
I got ill on the Aran Islands ferry from Galway to Inis Mór when I was in my early 20’s and my Soulmate held my hand the whole way there and back and kept saying “Nearly there…nearly there…”.
Later when we were married and had kids we made annual pilgrimages to North Wales to visit the Liddys and I did my best not to be ill in front of the kids …and failed, each and every time.
Oh, and I got ill on the trip out to Skelligs…and the way back. Our boat was followed by a flock of seagulls there and back.
So in 2011 when my Mum and Dad invited us, and my two brothers and their families to join them on a Mediterranean cruise to celebrate their 70th birthdays , I said no. Mam and Dad had been on a few cruises before and Dad said that the cruise ships were nothing like ferries or boats , they were like floating towns and you’d be hard pressed to know you were moving at all. I wasn’t convinced. Then Dad went behind my back and told Jake, Robyn, and Elliott that you could eat as many chicken wings, mini burgers, pizzas, donuts AND frozen yoghurt as they wanted all day, everyday, and I was badgered into going.
We flew to Barcelona and boarded a giant cruise ship there and … I didn’t get sick, not once. I did feel mildly nauseous on the Friday, but that was just because they were showing the marriage of William and Kate Windsor live from Westminster all day as we glided slowly in the Mediterranean sunshine. It just seemed to see everyone lazing around the pools, sipping cocktails, or guzzling beer, dressed in budgie smugglers and bikinis , glowing a neon pink, and telling other people’s kids to be quiet, as this was history ? Just me ?
There was only one incident of note. Our Elliott almost caused an international incident by hogging the self service frozen yoghurt machine beside the childrens’ pool. He spent one afternoon with two cones permanently fixed in his hands, eating one, while he filled the next one. I only became aware of it when a wee girl came crying to her parents , who were basting in the sun beside us.
“There’s a boy at the machine eating all of the frozen yoghurt !”
I laughed and looked over to see who this spoilt unmannerly child was and saw a yoghurt covered urchin smiling and waving back at me , who seemed to be wearing Elliott’s tee shirt. I rolled over and woke my Soulmate and told her that Elliott was waving at her. I then heard a loud expletive and the sounds of someone running in flip flops towards the frozen yoghurt machine.
And that was that.
We all had a great time and in the years that followed I heartily recommended a cruise holiday to anyone who was considering one, whether they had kids or not. Lots to do and see, with great taster visits of a different place each day. In fact there was so much to do on the ship that on one of the days we decided to forego the pleasure of dragging our children around Monaco , and stayed on the ship instead.
Mam and Dad enjoyed having everyone together and almost immediately talked about doing it again sometime. But life moves on, skids a bit , and it was 4 years later that my brother Stephen and his wife Sarah were on holidays in Majorca with her parents and they decided to hire a private boat with a captain to take them around the island, stopping off at isolated beaches and having picnics. On their way back to port they noticed that their captain was spending more and more time on the radio and talking in louder and more exasperated tones. They then noticed that there was water gathering at their feet. The captain was now yelling into his radio in Spanish and they were trying to ask him what was going on when they all clearly made out “MAYDAY ! MAYDAY !”.
They were 5 kilometres from shore and the boat started to sink. As it sank it then started to list and they had to jump into the sea and then swim back and sit on the now upturned bottom of the boat commonly referred to as the hull. Stephen did his best to reassure everyone that it would all be fine, but wasn’t helped by the captain muttering the Rosary and constantly blessing himself. Oh, and now the upside down boat started to slowly sink. When they were rescued Stephen, Fergus and the captain were in the water holding on to the boat, as there was only now room for Sarah and her Mum on the bit that wasn’t below the waterline. Sarah swore that she would never set foot in a swimming pool ever again, let alone go on any boat.
So when , that Christmas , Mam and Dad presented us all with invitations to join them the following July to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary on a cruise around the Adriatic I didn’t believe for a moment that we’d all actually go.
But Dad spent months reassuring Sarah that a cruise ship was, yes, a floating town, and you wouldn’t even know you were on the water….and she said yes. So we all flew to Venice and boarded the MSC Sinfonia. We sailed to Split where we had a great day wandering around the Palace of Diocletian. On Santorini Elliott bought the first spoon in what would become a collection. We had a delightful meal in Mykonos. I wanted a photo taken of me touching the nose of Marin Drzic in Dubrovnik , as it’s supposed to bring good luck. I’d forgotten that his brass statue was happily sitting in the sun all day and promptly burnt my fingers. We found all of the Game of Thrones locations. I wore my brown St.Pauli tee shirt that day and Robyn was very impressed when someone called after me and as I looked around he raised his fist and shouted “Yo ! Sankt Pauli !”. Our last day before heading back to Venice was spent in Ancona which is rich in Roman and Byzantine history and architecture. It was the first city Julius Caesar took after he crossed the Rubicon. I may have mentioned this several times that day, as Jake snapped “WE KNOW !” at one point.
Every evening we dined in the Il Galeone, and Dad reserved the same table for us. My brother John and Linda dined separately most evenings in the La Terraza Buffet on the top deck as their kids, my delightful nieces Hannah and Caitriona were very young then and a buffet suited better than a formal sit down dinner. On our last evening we all dressed up and took our usual table. Before we’d left the pool earlier we’d seen a large black cloud away in the distance. It was like an oval shaped ball, and hazy, like a child wildly drawing in crayon. We were told that it was a small storm , the Nevera, which can appear quickly in the Adriatic and can be violent, but that it didn’t really affect ships as big as this, and in any case this cruise ship had Active Fin Stabilizers, giant under water hydraulic wings that deploy in a storm to stabilise the ship.
Our table in the restaurant was beside a larger than normal porthole on the port side, which gave us a lovely view of the approaching storm which we not worried about in the slightest. We ordered drinks and chatted to the staff, placed our order for food and were enjoying our starters when the captain announced that he had hoped to outrun the storm , but that it had changed direction, but that he had started to launch the Active Fin Stabilizers and that we might notice the vibrations from that , but not to be alarmed.
Within minutes of this announcement the ship started to list slightly towards our port side. A few plates slid a little and there was some nervous laughter. As the ship continued to list we were doing our best not to panic, and drink all of our wine, to stop it spilling onto the white tablecloth. As the ship continued to list , slowly and ominously, the window behind us was now being pelted by very heavy rain and it was very dark outside…but you only noticed that it you turned around, and we were too busy staring in horror as all of the cabinets in the central carousel of the restaurant opened and white china plates spilled out before crashing on the floor. Plates were sliding off tables, bottles were spilling and crashing. The Maitre De was walking at a 45 degree angle around the tables telling us that only the Starboard fin of the Active Stabilizer had deployed and that was what was tilting us, not the storm and that it would be resolved quickly. This news wasn’t as reassuring as he intended, due to him having to shout over the sound of crashing china and the storm battering the window behind us.
In moments of crisis we always look to our fathers. I looked to Dad, who was mumbling the Rosary and blessing himself, and looking to Mum. Mum was trying to keep Sarah and Robyn calm by saying that she’d seen the lifeboats earlier and that they looked lovely.
And then , slowly, but steadily , the ship straightened up, and the storm was gone.
Staff appeared from nowhere and everything was cleared … including two Italian ladies who’d fainted in the middle of it, but were only noticed now. Robyn had had enough and just wanted to go to her cabin. Elliott and Jake wanted to stay and see what happened next. On the way to the cabins we passed dozens of smashed glass cabinets which had been full of watches, perfume and sunglasses everyday. When Robyn was settled and asleep I went back to the restaurant and all of the smashed cabinets were gone, and walking into the restaurant you wouldn’t have known that anything had happened at all….except that every table was drinking industrial quantities of medicinal , complimentary, brandy.
Leaving the ship the next day, the staff acted as if nothing had happened, but I imagine their end of cruise tips suffered a lot. We expected to be greeted by camera crews and staff from the Irish consulate asking if we needed counselling or assistance. Even the seagulls ignored us.
We had a nice day wandering around Venice, and I impressed my adoring children and Soulmate by telling then that the Venetians had stolen the body of St.Mark from a Coptic Church in Alexandria in Egypt in the 10th century, but in their haste had left his head behind. So St.Mark’s Square should really be called Mostly St.Mark’s Square. I laughed a lot at this. I laughed alone.
We flew home…uneventfully.
No one in our family ever mentions cruises anymore. Significant birthdays and anniversaries have come and gone and we have celebrated them all…with a bouncy castle in Mam and Dad’s garden.
And then last week our John’s youngest, Conor, looking at the framed picture of all of us on that fateful cruise in 2016, which was two years before he was born , said wistfully “I wish we could all go on a cruise together.”
Dad smiled at him and said “Well Conor , there’s a lot of talk about cruises in the news at the moment. There’s a ship in quarantine with a virus in the Canaries, and another one in France with another virus…”
Conor looked sad.
Dad continued “…so I’m sure there’ll be great bargains !”
Dad is a sucker for a deal.
“Yes Mr.Bond there is a one in five chance of being infected with a disease that we haven’t got a cure for yet, but these prices are 30% lower than they were a month ago…”
“Any portside cabins available, Mark ?”
“Yes.”
“We’ll take four !”
All I can say is that Stephen and Sarah are now two for two in major at sea events, if you see them boarding, disembark immediately.
Toodles,
Paul
P.S. This is Fisherman’s Blues, which is a classic… like you.
P.P.S This is an audio of an older blog which features bananas and a story which made Richard, my favourite Presbyterian , cry…and I cried while recording it.
