Swan, Swan, Hummingbird
“Six in one, half dozen the other
Tell that to the captain’s mother
Hey captain, don’t you want to buy
Some bone chains and toothpicks?
Night wings, her hair chains
Swan, swan, hummingbird
Hurrah, we are all free now
What noisy cats are we
Long, low time ago, people talk to me
A pistol hot cup of rhyme
The whiskey is water, the water is wine”
Buck/Mills/Berry/Stipe
There’s a cliched tv episode or movie opening where a song you’re familiar with is playing over something ordinary, which suddenly becomes extraordinary, the screen freezes frame, there’s the song of the song scratching to a halt and the narrator says :
“ Yep, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I got into this situation…”
Then the film scene rewinds and a frame appears saying “Earlier that day”, or “Two months earlier” or something and the story unfolds leading back up to the point where the screen froze to begin with.
My life can be like that on an almost daily basis.
The answer to how I usually got into any particular situation is that some well meaning friend, Micky, Ronan, Milo, Fintan, other Fintan, Gerry, The Phelan brothers, Richard, Brenda, Benny, Trevor, Glenn, Robyn, Paddy, Shane, Karl, Nollaig, Paula, Baz, Gareth, Ger, AnnaMarie, Dominic, has said “Why don’t we….” And I then end up on Leeson St, or Park St. at 3.00am, up a mountain, in a lake, casino, racecourse, igloo or sheebeen, questioning life choices…and their friendship.
Although, come to think of it, most of the most ludicrous situations start with a text or a call from Ray saying “Are you busy ?” , to which I stupidly always reply to with a “Not really”
That’s how , after Parkrun one Saturday , while I was crossing the North Road back to my car having picked up meat from Charley’s for that evenings tea, I was beeped at by Ray, who I’d been out running with only an hour before. He stopped and lowered the window.
“Look in the back “ he said laughing.
I looked to see Chris, fellow Parkrunner, smiling nervously, and holding something large , wrapped in a towel. I was about to say ‘Hello’ when something lunged at me from the towel.
“Jesus Christ ! Is that ….”
“Yeah ! A swan !” they said in unison, laughing.
“How …”
“Someone rang me and said there was a dazed swan on the Leck Road that needed help, you’d already left, so I got Chris to help me catch it.” Ray answered.
“Why would someone call you ? No offence.”
“None taken. I rescued one before in Tully.”
“And why , dare I ask, were you called to rescue that one?”
“Because I’d held a fundraiser for The M.S.P.C.A in The Pig. So they thought I knew about animals.”
( Before going any further I should explain for non-Monaghan readers, and Yankees, that M.S.P.C.A stands for Monaghan Society for the Protection of Cruelty to Animals, and that Ray owns a funky bar and restaurant in Monaghan Town called The Squeling Pig)
(Also the name and location of the Leck Road , which is off the main road between Monaghan Town and Threemilehouse, is seared into my brain because when Elliott started school he had two friends, Joe and Shane over to play one Saturday, and when I was leaving them home I asked then to shout out when we were near their house, or the road their house was on , as I’d never left them home before. Joe gave quietly confident instructions, ‘First right after the grave yard…..veer left here… a few tight turns now…yes, just here on the left’. Shane told me “Out the Monaghan road”, and then as he nattered away to Elliott, got more and more annoyed as I interrupted ‘Is this it ?‘ , ‘This one ?’…left or right here….before I drove past his turn and he roared “DO YOU NOT KNOW THE LECK ROAD ?” and I then apologised to him until we got to his house.)
I was about to ask another question when we were interrupted by the swan attacking the head rest of the passenger seat beside the window I was leaning in through.
“Better take him to the vets.”
And off they went.
I went home and had lunch, told my Soulmate about the swan, and was happily mowing the lawn when Ray rang.
“Busy ?”
“Not really.”
“Meet me at All Creatures in 15.”
“ What ?”
“The swan ! I need someone to hold it when I bring it back to the lake.”
“Can’t Chris do it ?” Chris is one of those guys you’d call if your car was hanging over a precipice, or you were being attacked by a penguin…you know he’d know what to do.
“He’s not answering”
“OK….”
He’d hung up before I got to ask any questions….which was probably for the best.
I arrived at All Creatures veterinary practice to find Ray’s son , Ryan, standing at Ray’s parked car. I thought this curious. If Ryan was there with Ray, what did they need me for ? But before I gave it any more thought Ray shouted “Good man Bond!” as he came out of the office followed by a vet carrying a large white plastic bin bag with a swans head poking out of it.
“Paul, you hop in the back of the car and she’ll hand the swan into you.”
“Can’t Ryan sit in the back with the swan ?”
“No , he’ll be busy.”
“Doing what ???”
“Recording you and the swan !”
I was about to argue but the nice vet was handing me a swan and explaining what a nice boy he was, and that he was heavily sedated, but it was wearing off, and we should hurry out to the lake.
“You can just hold at the back of his head if he gets inquisitive.”
I grabbed his head and held it at arms length away from me.
“No, that’s his neck , hold him here.”
I adjusted my grip.
“No that’s still his neck, he’ll not make it out of the car park if you hold him like that.”
I was about to say that that was a chance I was happy to take, but the swan hissed at me, and I kicked the back of Ray’s seat for him to get moving.
Ray and Ryan thought the situation was hilarious.
Ryan was filming me and Ray was suggesting that we drive slowly around the town to see if we could see anyone we knew.
“You’ll drive straight to the fucking lake !”
The swan hissed.
He was starting to kick against the bag.
“Hurry up Ray !”
Ray was crying with laughter. “Should we call by Rossmore Park and see if kids in the playground want to pet it ?”
“Ray , I’m throwing this bag into the front if you don’t hurry up !”
He laughed , the swan hissed, and I could feel his wings starting to stretch out against the bag.
“Maybe we could …” Ryan started to say, but I interrupted him with a very loud “FUCK !” as the swan kicked a hole in the bag and a large black webbed foot was now scrambling for grip on my thigh.
My distress, coupled with the swans increasing hisses, seemed to bring great joy to Ryan and Ray, or The Bastards , as I now called them..loudly…and frequently.
There was now a continuous rustling sound as the swan, which for some bizarre reason I had decided to call Nigel, was straining both wings and his other foot to get out.
“Sssh, sssh now Nigel” I said to absolutely no effect whatsoever.
“Which lake will we take him to ?” Ryan asked Ray.
“The next one we see !” I shouted from the back.
“There’s one !” Ryan said.
We stopped and the two Bastards got out and opened my door. Nigel lunged at Ryan.
“Good boy Nigel !” I said.”We better hurry, this bag’s not going to hold him much longer.”
Ray picked up the bag with both arms and I held Nigel’s head and somehow we managed , between the three of us to get him , and us, over the gate and record it. Then we placed the bag down at the edge of the lake and calmed his down as we opened to ties that had kept him, and us safe. Ray stood back…Ryan was already way back.. and I slipped the bag away and Nigel stood up and stretched his wings.
He was magnificent.
Standing a few feet away from a swan with fully outstretched wings is something to cherish…as long as he’s not racing towards you. I remember being told countless times as a kid not to mess with a swan, as they can break your arm with their wing.
Nigel, after another stretch or two looked back at us, nodded, and gracefully glided into the water and away.
We didn’t say anything for a moment.
It was a beautiful afternoon, the sun was shining, and I, and the two Bastards had done a nice thing.
Before that afternoon I would have been afraid of swans. But that fear was based on old children’s stories, and ignorance. Now I’m afraid of swans because I have first hand experience of how strong and menacing they are up close.
You may have noticed that my Soulmate’s name wasn’t in the list earlier of friend’s who get me into ‘situations’. And also that this week’s blog is going out freakishly early.
That’s because she and I are heading to Arosa, in the Alps to run a half marathon in the snow.
But with her, it’s never a situation, it’s always an adventure !
Toodles,
Paul
P.S. This is ‘Swan, Swan H‘ by REM
